Lonely girl
Sitting there with your hair all in your face, tears are falling like they’re in a race. Look down, look around then you look up again; get the feeling you could never win.”
My Savannah Jane is a lonely little girl. She will be 17 tomorrow. So many songs remind me of her, growing up as a little girl and now as an almost adult. The soundtrack to her life from her mother’s eyes is probably not one she would choose, but I bet there are a couple of the same songs on it.
The Garth Brooks cover of Shameless by Billy Joel touches me not as a song about romantic love, but about that brand new baby adoration. I sang it to all three of my babies and I will sing it to my grandbabies. I remember two-stepping with Savannah in her dark bedroom singing how much I worshipped her. “I was Shameless when it comes to loving you, I’ll do anything you want me to, I’ll do anything at all…”
Before AJ was born I learned Playmate from my ex-mother in law; she wanted me to sing the song to him that her mother had sang to her and she had sung to her boys. It is a sweet little rhyming song that Savannah picked up quickly. At 18 months old she would sing it to her babies in her lispy sing-song little baby girl voice. “Playmate, I can’t come play with you, my dolly has the flu, boo hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo”
When she was four, Savannah saw Jerry Jeff Walker in Luckenbach with my entire family. At that point, we played him often and Redneck Mother was by far her favorite. At that age, they want to hear the same song over and over again. One of the most satisfying days of my life was when she sang this on the porch of my “high class” in-laws house. As you know, she gets the redneck side from her mamma! She knew EVERY word and sang it in her hick east Texas drawl. “M is for mudflaps, O is for oil, T is for T-bird, H is for Haggard, E is for Eggs and R is for REDNECK!! Oh, I wish I could have seen my father in laws face!
Savannah had no idea why I belted the words to the Dixie Chicks “Goodbye Earl”. It was hilarious to me when she chose this song to sing at her 3rd-grade talent show the year she lived with her dad and stepmom. She taught it to the girls in her little after school Dixie Chicks Cover “band”. When the talent show director heard their rehearsal, she made them change the
song. I think she found the lyrics a little frightening for middle schoolers. “Those black-eyed peas, they tasted all right to me Earl, you feeling weak? why don’t you lay down and sleep
earl, is it dark? wrapped up in that tarp Earl”
At that time, she LOVED the Dixie Chicks; her first real concert was Pat Green and the Dixie Chicks at the Cottonbowl. She was 8, so it was 2000 or 2001. So, the song she chose for the talent show instead, Traveling Soldier, was another Dixie Chicks favorite, but I was proud she knew that one of my favorite songwriters, Bruce Robison, actually wrote it. When
we are together, even now, I make sure to play Traveling Soldier for her because I love to hear her sing it. “I, I, I, cry, never gonna hold the hand of another guy. Too young, for him they told her, waiting for the love of a traveling soldier” She falls in love like I do, hard and fast and thinks it will last forever…she hurts like I do too, uncontrollably.
Her favorite was Kasey Chambers, though. She loved her and sang every word to every song of The Captain CD. Kasey’s lyrics spoke to her, and for the first time she chose her own music rather than just regurgitating what I liked…Cry Like a Baby was a favorite” But I still cry just like a baby And I answer back to feel a little free And I still fly even though I’m gonna fall
But I’m too far to let it get to me.”
but, she chose many of the artists I liked, Pat, Bruce and Kelly, Robert Earl, were all favorites and we saw them all and they signed her Cowboy hat and we took her picture with them. For her 13th birthday we had already started fighting all the time, but she chose to go see Willie. My ex-boyfriend and I took her and AJ to Stubbs. The show was disappointing for them, Willie was sick and sang his Medley of hits and some old standards they didn’t really know as well and ended his show early. But, the highlight of the night was when we went to Willie’s bus and he was signing autographs, but really sick and they escorted him to the bus and said no more. The line was so long, but we were close and Savannah was standing there with her hat. Willie was in the bus already, but they called to him, “Willie, theres a little girl out here needs her hat signed” He came out and hugged her and signed her hat and stood for a picture
and asked her what her favorite song was. Without hesitation, she said, “Whiskey River” “and you didn’t sing it right”! He laughed so hard at her and said, “that’s one of my favorites too girl” and hugged her again. What a memory for both of us! “I’m drowning in a whiskey river”
Of course through her early teens she turned to My Chemical Romance and other emo bands I can’t stand and don’t know the name of. She had really started changing by this point, was angry or sad all the time, but we still had some music in common. She made us an early morning itunes play list and the four of us would sing on the way to school and in the mornings getting ready. We played Bohemian Rhapsody every morning and AJ, Savannah and I would sing it together, “Mamma, just killed a man, put a gun against his head, pulled the trigger now he’s dead” then go wild head banging when the fast part started. I can see her shaking her head and none of us caring that the people in line at the school thought we were crazy”
We fought over the radio dial and Ipod playlists all the time. I liked classic rock, old country and Texas/Red Dirt and she liked Grunge, Metal, Emo shit, etc. We agreed on a few songs every once in awhile, I loved Smashing Pumpkins and Alice in Chains, she loved The Rolling Stones and tolerated Cross Canadian Ragweed. When I played “ Lonely Girl” for her and told her it reminded me of her, she agreed and posted it on her facebook page and added it to her Itunes.
She loved the Randy Rogers song, “In My Arms Instead” and I actually caught her singing that one to herself all alone, “You, you’ve been on my mind, I wish you were here, beside me tonight, lying in this bed cause I, I’m just not the same; I walk down these streets, I swear I hear your name, but it’s just in my head; wish you were in my arms instead. She and I were singing the same words to different guys at the same time and I hated that she was hurting as bad as I was, in her own little heart.
She’s the one who is gone now, for almost two years now she’s been skipping from friend to friend and boyfriend to boyfriend and I keep up with her through the GPS on her phone and weekly texts. She listens to folk music and wants to go live with Rainbow Hippies…but, for the first time since she was 13 years old we have actual conversations; she’s not threatening suicide, she is mostly happy and making good decisions even if they don’t involve spending her 17th birthday with her mom.
Tonight, while writing this I added all these songs and much more to a Savannah Jane playlist. Gonna listen to it all day tomorrow and remember the good times with my wild free-spirit girl.
In summary: I miss my little girl but love the big girl I have now too, as difficult as it’s been.
Tonight I’m thankful: for music that can conjure pictures and memories in my mind, heart, and soul.
* if you find fault with the lyrics or song titles, sorry, they are from me singing to myself and I didn’t have time to look them up for accuracy and I have a really bad hearing!
just jodi...for now 
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