It’s been 4 years and 10 months since I was in a relationship. I haven’t dated in that time and my celibacy has been a cause of great concern with my friends, those who knew me five years ago especially! But, I’ve been pretty damn happy with my “dead down there” 5 year, man-free dating hiatus.
But, I miss it. Of course, I miss sex (hell yeah I miss sex) it has been one of my favorite things to do since I was 16!! … I miss kissing, I miss dating, I miss that amazing feeling of getting to know someone new…I miss those first phone calls and how his voice makes me horny …I do miss all those things, but you can get all that from a two month fling.
But, what I really miss, more than anything, is that feeling of connection when I’m with someone I love… and who loves me back.
Like in the kitchen, when I am washing dishes and he comes in…barely brushing my hips, but I know he needs to wash his hands or grab a beer or just kiss the back of my neck. Or he is making burgers while I am chopping veggies…or even how he comes in to sit and talk while I cook. I miss that.
Or at dinner, when one of the kids says something hilarious, but I can’t laugh and we look at each other over their heads and smile… I miss that.
Or in the bathroom when we are both in a hurry and have to brush our teeth at the same time and we just move over a little bit to make room—without asking. I miss that.
Or when I feel his hand in the middle of the night, in his sleep, searching for me and the comfort of being wrapped up by him.
I miss knowing there is someone to call at 3 am who, with one word can make it all better. I miss someone other than offspring saying “I love you”. I miss singing a love song and it reminding me of someone… I miss having a best friend that is my everything. I miss having someone need me. I miss having someone that knows me, and adores me, and who I know and adore.
I really really miss loving someone.
The passion of new is great, but the comfort of commitment is what I miss…I’ve had it a couple of times in my life (literally, twice). And I have faith that I will find it again someday.
I guess the first step is to start dating and stop hiding behind my jaded, scared-to-death excuses.
If you have that love, be happy—don’t take those little moments for granted, because it is absolutely the best part of life.
Today, I am thankful I’ve gotten over hating men—thought for a couple years there I would be a jaded bitch forever!